two poems from
A Bumbag of Verses
for the young and the young-at-heart
(yet to be published)

THE ANIMAL CARNIVAL

One night I dreamed of an animal carnival; creatures of all features
participate in a parade all through Adelaide in a cavalcade.
First comes a barge float of priests blessing a large boat of beasts:
a quick, bold fox down with chicken pox chokes on a choc box;
a sick, old ox down with camel pox coughs on a call box;

a spunky monkey in a sloppy topee combs his pretty goatee;
an Afghanistan orangutan with a Turkmenistan misshapen pan
poses with other apes wrapped in capes and draped in grapes;
a ram leads a lamb to a pram, then feeds the lamb jam on yam;
a male snail bred on stale ale bugs a frail whale fed on pale kale;

hogs in clogs, socks and frocks flock to flog a frightened frog;
a swine smoking Woodbine pours out good wine on a porcupine;
a prig of a pig, who is big, in a wig, twirls a twig, jigs a jig, fries a fig;
a drake and a hake, a snake on the make and a sheikh with a rake
shake a crake on the top of a cake that is fake;

testy goats strew tasty groats on party stoats in petticoats;
a greyhound who's spellbound staggers around a merry-go-round;
cold as ice, sold on vice, ruffian mice are spraying Indian rice
while playing casino dice with swaying merino lice;
a lean mouse in a clean blouse cleans a greenhouse.

Next an obscene marine float appears to cheers:
a shark shows a lark how to bark and how to lark;
for a while with a smile versatile juvenile crocodiles
whose erstwhile domicile's the British Isles
align in style along the aisle in single file;

a carp plucks a harp; a skate spins a plate;
eels do cartwheels; seals dong glockenspiels,
munching soybean meals perched on snowmobiles;
a moray in a beret plans a ballet; an octopus with an abacus
recites a nonsense verse about a pauper's purse beside a porpoise nurse.
The third float is the bird float:
a pair of oversized doves
try to squeeze into a pair of underpriced gloves;
a nightingale who's sporting a ponytail is snorting a ginger ale;
a hawk, white as chalk, is engaged in a fray with a jay, gray as clay;

a Mumbai magpie mumbles goodbye to a Bondi barfly bound for all-dry Dubai;
a Comoros albatross snatches and scratches batches of Barbados dental floss;
a Manitowoc stork sticks many a York cork on many a Cork fork;
obese show geese from Greece attempt to fleece and then to grease
the palms of police sent from Nice to keep the peace.

Strike a light! What a night! What a sight! Oh, the night
I dreamed my dream of the animal spectacle.
When dead asleep tonight, I sure hope I might
dream dreams galore, as I snore, just once more
of the animal carnival.

PUNNY BUSINESS

Like father, like son,
fun is the sun of a pun.
Just as half an oaf is better than one
so a jerk of all shades is a pastor of none

which is why a woman’s Merc is never dun
for she must learn to spurn the wok before she can run;
which is also why to give the devil his view
is to live in debit on rabbit and stew.

Flunkeys see, flunkeys do—
that brings to mind a colt from the zoo,
which is cheesier bled than spun;
no sooner is it dead than it’s won.

What you don’t sow won’t girt you
so sow as I play, not sow as I hoe
and since you have to straddle your own taboo,
never double rubble till rubble troubles you

or else the revel finds work for bridal bands to do
but then, of course, it’s better the revel you know
than the revel you don’t know, you know,
’cause great blokes from little firstborns grow.
When what are yours are chores, what's mine is fine
and when to stir is human, to deceive divine
is like fasting girls before swine,
then a switch to crime will at least save nine.

Now since anger is the best boss,
a scolding crone will mother no moss
and since absence breaks the hart and doe asunder,
what’s goose for Lagos is goose for Uganda.